by The Ghost of J.D. Salinger
I'm just sick of hearing about how I became a recluse. Here’s what I’ve decided: If you're famous, don't become a recluse--just please die. Otherwise, all sorts of weirdos will be hounding you till the end of your days--and worse, they'll write endless pointless shit speculating as to your motives. And even worse, some of it will be published in newspapers, books and magazines. And if that's not bad enough, they might even try make a movie about you, as though the problems of an accountant somewhere had anything to do with (for example) Greta Garbo. And till the end their days, moviegoers will be thinking, "Geez, what a crock! And to think I actually paid to see that! And not only is Ron Silver voting for Bush but he’s fat as well!"
So there you have it, reluctant celebrities. Just die if you're sick of the limelight. Or write a really shitty book, sleep with unattractive women, go bowling, watch a lot of daytime television or better yet appear on daytime television or a 'reality' show and eventually, people will lose interest and just leave you alone. Just don't do anything interesting such as marrying a beautiful actress or rollerskating on horseback or eating rats in a cave. That will just pique the public's morbid interest, whereas if you simply disappear or look like a pathetic loser desperate for attention, everyone will become bored or uncomfortable merely by seeing your image in the news and thereafter shall strenuously avoid you. Oh, and try not to rape any teen girls, the public will find that terribly interesting.
Yours In Christ, J.D. Salinger (yes, He is real, and yes, I am in Heaven, so suck it Christians)
P.S. Don’t write, I never answer fanboys.