Yo, fellow Americans, Da Brooksmeister rappin’ at ya’ once more. Turns out there was a great and very scientific study about education: When children are given books, their test scores rise. Now I know what you’re going to say: “David, you wouldn’t know a mean from median if it was drilled into your skull with a carbon-steel bit.”
Well that maybe true—but since I start from the premise that I’m pretty much right about anything (and always right about everything), I have no need to really worry too much about factoids and data and whatnot. Because after all, this column is all about philosophy, and who the hell is going to waste their lives writing abstruse nonsense if they didn’t already know they had the answer?
But just to prove a point to the Ivy-League-educated-liberal-elites-who-run-the-world (doesn’t that sound nicer than “Jew”?), I gave my copy of Wealth of Nations to my hamster, Frederick The Great, and I have to say that so far he appears to be very intrigued by it. He’s constantly sniffing it, inspecting it, and tearing off bits for his bedding. I predict his reading ability is going to go through the roof.
Another thing that Science tells us about the Internet is that it cripples children’s social skills and attention span. For those of us raised before the Internet, we can recall--quite readily I’m sure--how those kids who read the most and spent the most time home alone with nary a girl in sight were also the happiest children. The more you read, the more friends you had and the more you were the envy of all the others. And this became even more true in high school—I’m sure we can all agree on that. Then the Internet came and now anyone can call me a twat on his blog, and he doesn’t even have to print them on a ditto machine for someone to read it. Well guess what asshole—I’m rich and you’re unemployed. So if a kid hates to read, just give him books to turn into mattress-bedding and he’ll become a great reader. And please suck my fat one, you filthy dirty unwashed liberal elitist bloggers. I have money, you don’t , and that must prove something.