Crap Of Christmas Past

by ROSS
DOUTHAT

Yo. Ross here. Much like me, if you're a Real Christian (i.e. Real American), Christmas is an incredibly challenging time. As I've said before, money is not important in political advertising. But when people use it to exploit your children into asking you to buy shit, it's really annoys me--financially and morally. How dare they? And all of the fake-ass bitches showing up in Church once a year to feel good about life for a bit without even worrying about how they're going to hell for not showing up the rest of the year? Disgusting. And the fake-ass religions that are not only not American but also not even real Christianity? (Short List: Atheists, Dionysians, Quakers). Sickening.

So there are bucketfuls of awful things happening at Chrimstmas time. I also hear that some people are unemployed and shit, but let's focus on the important thing: Culture. After all, what doth it profiteth a man to go on the dole, and lose his soul?  I'm sure I would take my soul over a roof any day of the week.

And yet we must reach some sort of acoomodation with the hell-bound fiends (see above). After all, they're going to have an enternity to rot there, and the Real Christians like me will have eternity to watch them suffer. And isn't that what it's all about?  (Oh, and if you're a NY Times subscriber, yes you will be tormented in Perdition forever and ever, sorry about that for the regular subscribers.)

Merry Christmas, everyone!