Sunday, May 29, 2011

Condoleezza Rice Commits Seppuku

Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice died early this morning in an apparent ritualistic act of contrition via seppuku (hara-kiri). A spokesman for the Washington D.C. Police Department read a statement to the press, accompanied by a drum and wooden flute: "At dawn this morning, the 23rd year of Heisei, Secretary Rice kneeled before the Washington Memorial.

Dressed in a pure white kimono, and bathing in the glow of the Sun God, she unsheathed her short wakizashi sword and proclaimed, "The Emperor Bush is innocent of all crimes! I take all responsibility for all acts of malfeasance performed in his name! May I serve the Emperor in Heaven!" Additionally, she left an elegantly scribed note in the style of her calligraphy master which read, "Will someone please remember to turn off the gas? Also, I have a stack of uncorrected papers on my desk in my office, if someone could hand those to Steve, my graduate assistant, it would be most appreciated. Yeah, make sure Steve gets those papers."

When asked for comment, his August Imperial Majesty could not be reached. Only a handmaid answered the door to the palace, who would only say, "Meester Bush riding his bicycle." However, it was reportedly said by the Daimyo of Clan Cheney, "His August Imperial Majesty is most pleased that Secretary Rice passed to Heaven honorably. Her sacrifice has removed the stain of shame and dishonor from her memory. She will serve Him well in Heaven."

In other news, there are also reports of a vengeful, angry ghost with short black hair, dressed in a white kimono stained in blood, terrorizing tourists in the vicinity of the National Mall. It is said that her presence is preceded by the sound of wooden flute playing God Bless America.

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