ENVY OUR FUCKING FREEDOM DAY, REDCOATS.

Boy, I bet you chappies wish you could buy a semi-automatic military
assault rifle with a 30 round magazine. Oh, you can't...I reckon you'll
never know the sweet taste of LIBERTY.

(Liberty, that prostitute that died of AIDS recently. She worked on the corner of 5th and Main.)

Now lick my ammo, bitches!

Several States Mandate Distribution And Use Of Morphine: "Life Too Painful In Our State", Say Legislators

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/27/us/27abortion.html

In a move which has dismayed many across the nation, state legislatures in Nebraska, Idaho, Indiana, Oklahoma, and Arkansas have passed legislation requiring the distribution of morphine to every state resident. In addition, residents will undergo mandatory drug testing to ensure that they are indeed on drugs. Stated Senator Mike Johanns of Nebraska: "It's simply a matter of compassion. The grim and bleak living hell that pervades every second of being alive in Nebraska demands that we take action. You think we like looking at endless rows of corn fields every god damn day? Hell no!"




The Anti Pain Council Of America has furthermore urged that such requirements be extended to the unborn fetus, stating in a press release, "We have firm biological evidence that the unborn fetus can feel pain at 20 weeks, and therefore recommend that all pregnant women take additional morphine for the sake of their unborn child. We don't know what the heck is going on in there. There are no books or toys--that kid could be really, really bored. We can't let issues of whether not it might kill the mother stand in the way of compassionate pain reduction for all, including the unborn."

Supreme Court Forces Bush To Uphold Iraq War Restitution Payments

In an startling 8-to-1 vote, the U.S. Supreme Court upheld a decision in Humanity v. Bush to ask Bush to pay $2 trillion dollars in back payment for costs, damages, and victims' compensation incurred during the invasion and occupation of Iraq.

The formal  Demand for Payment that Bush received at his home in the exclusive Dallas neighborhood of Preston Hollow included compensation for missing priceless artifacts looted from the Iraqi National Museum ($200 million), the cost of veterans medical bills over the next 100 years ($750 million), and damages for emotional suffering to the families of Iraqis who died as a result of the war ($50.00). Other restitution includes gasoline, ammunition, repair and replacement of combat vehicles, air-to-surface missiles, pilot-less drones, the loss of American dignity, general embarrassment for any intelligent person exposed to a Bush speech or press conference, unwanted back massages by foreign dignitaries, and burial costs for both Tony Blair's pride and well as any integrity he ever had.

Writing for the majority, Justice Antonin Scalia stated, "It is only fair that the elite are held to be responsible for their crimes, just as we would for any junkie who robs a liquor store. And at least the junkie can say he's on the junk." The lone dissenter, Justice Clarence Thomas, wrote a very brief opinion on the back of dinner napkin, which read: "I like cheese." His office refused to clarify statement and pointed a Wikipedia entry detailing a long history of American "patriots" submitting documents on not only table napkins, but also wrapping paper and shipping boxes. "There is also evidence that the original draft of the Declaration of Independence was in fact written on the back of dentist's appointment card," according the web page.

The former president declined comment, because according to a staff member, "He's busy helping Donald Rumsfeld move some furniture onto the back of pick-up they borrowed from Cheney."



#bush
#iraq
#inthenews

United Nations Report: War On Ignorance Has Failed

The United Nations released a report last Friday documenting the utter failure of the War On Ignorance. The introduction to the report cited 'centuries of wasted effort and investment', including compulsory education, literacy, libraries, colleges, universities, scientific research, and even paranormal psychology.

It continues to say:
From the time of the first calendars, to that of the philosophers of Ancient Greece, many have advocated overcoming the woeful state of mans' confusion, frequently referred to as ignorance. However, again and again, Mankind has not only refused but actively resisted repeated attempts to free it from the yoke of delusion and superstition. The rise of Science appeared to intially provide some degree of hope; but Humanity instead preferred to re-interpret objective reality within a framework of previously held beliefs or existing biases. 'The price of tulips will always go up.' 'God gave my son polio to test my faith.' 'The Earth is 5000 years old.' 'T. Rex bones were created by Satan to lure you into hell.'


With the Internet came a new hope, that an oversupply of information would counter disinformation and falsehoods--alas, it was not to be. The supply of disinformation and distortion was merely amplified by millions of computers all over the globe. Even now, a substantial portion of the Earth's people believe that food and energy are potentially infinite, many think that vaccines cause disease, and that if you just eat some dehydrated seaweed you'll be A-OK.


Therefore, this report recommends that the War On Ignorance be ended. It is too expensive, too time-consuming, and requires too many scarce resources--resources that could be better devoted to improving our lives in more tangible ways, such as increasing access to reality TV, making sure every household on the globe has a celebrity scandal-sheet in the native language in order to track celebrity procreation/adultery/fornication, and inventing new artificial sweeteners for diet soda. By realistically re-ordering our priorities, we can make can more quickly destroy civilization and finally return to the lifestyle for which we originally evolved: Hunting, gathering, and dying of malaria at the ripe old age of 30.

However, no one appears to be aware of the report, owing to a celebrity wang shot that appeared on the internet just minutes before its publication.

#waronignorance

Condoleezza Rice Commits Seppuku

Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice died early this morning in an apparent ritualistic act of contrition via seppuku (hara-kiri). A spokesman for the Washington D.C. Police Department read a statement to the press, accompanied by a drum and wooden flute: "At dawn this morning, the 23rd year of Heisei, Secretary Rice kneeled before the Washington Memorial.

Dressed in a pure white kimono, and bathing in the glow of the Sun God, she unsheathed her short wakizashi sword and proclaimed, "The Emperor Bush is innocent of all crimes! I take all responsibility for all acts of malfeasance performed in his name! May I serve the Emperor in Heaven!" Additionally, she left an elegantly scribed note in the style of her calligraphy master which read, "Will someone please remember to turn off the gas? Also, I have a stack of uncorrected papers on my desk in my office, if someone could hand those to Steve, my graduate assistant, it would be most appreciated. Yeah, make sure Steve gets those papers."

When asked for comment, his August Imperial Majesty could not be reached. Only a handmaid answered the door to the palace, who would only say, "Meester Bush riding his bicycle." However, it was reportedly said by the Daimyo of Clan Cheney, "His August Imperial Majesty is most pleased that Secretary Rice passed to Heaven honorably. Her sacrifice has removed the stain of shame and dishonor from her memory. She will serve Him well in Heaven."

In other news, there are also reports of a vengeful, angry ghost with short black hair, dressed in a white kimono stained in blood, terrorizing tourists in the vicinity of the National Mall. It is said that her presence is preceded by the sound of wooden flute playing God Bless America.

Australia: Immigration Crisis?

Is there a potential downside to allowing more Asian refugees into Australia? Perhaps. However, history tells us it will also lead to an enormous increase in the local production of martial-arts movies, such as "Mad Wombat Kung Fu", "Drunken Wombat Style Killer", "Wombat Assassins Of Brisbane", "Kangaroo Versus Koala",  and "Sydney Clan Killers". It's a cornucopia of possibilities.

(Assuming I understand anything about history.)

Movie News: Sextronsity

Sextronsity is the latest in the Asian horror genre. At a girls' school two chicks are smoking opium in the bathroom with some a black market manga so reprehensible in content that both of the girls go insane and instantly embark on a killing spree.

Many corpses later, they are shot by police and become malicious ghosts that inhabit the school cafeteria, seeking revenge by pissing on the kimchi just before the lunch bell. Needless to say, this sends the administrators into an downward spiral of sex and death, and before you can say "There's a girl with dark hair crawling out of a well" there are several more dead bodies including one girl who's mistakenly stir fried and served as 'breakfast squid'.

Subsequently, a bipolar homicide detective from Hong Kong appears. Then she falls down the well and is never seen again. No one seems to wonder why. Finally the manga is burned and the curse is lifted although by this time most of the students are dead and some of the parents are beginning to wonder if they should ask for a refund. (In a sequel currently in production, the curse lives on in the refund checks.)

The Wombat That Took Down Bin Laden

It has been reported that the elite Seal Team Six unit that killed Osama Bin Laden was in fact personally led by a marsupial--Naval Commander George S. Wombat Esq.
Although we were not able to obtain a recent photo, we have been informed by high-ranking sources in the Pentagon that Commander Wombat (an alias) became a U.S. Naval Officer shortly after completing his law degree, and was quickly recruited by Special Operations due to his "acute sense of smell and powerful forelimbs." He quickly rose through the ranks and into the elite of the elite and has been serving in JCOM since December of 2001.


Outrage in Pakistan fueled by the rage was further inflamed by the news that a marsupial had been involved, as many Islamic scholars feel that the teachings of their religion exclude any member of the family Vombatidae. In a press release, President Ali Zadari, forbade the U.S. from conducting any further "unilateral operations within our borders--especially the ones led by those filthy little bastards."


#binladen
#wombat