Sunday, May 8, 2011

The New Oopsism

by  DAVID 
When our Beloved Founding Fathers (BFFs)
went to the fuss and bother of creating this great republican democracy thingie, they knew that the Common Man (CM) (which, if you're reading this, is you)...would doubt himself--nay, he would prefer to burn himself in the fires of modesty. And thusly from the ashes of modesty arose a modest nation of virtuous self-restraint. With a bit of land-grabbing and genocide and slavery along the way but over all the it was a very modest process. (Of course in 1799 a rich man was someone who didn't have to wipe his backside with his left hand so maybe there's an implicit assumption that is completely incorrect but let's not start with the hair-splitting.)

Therefore, this nation was founded on one fundamental principle: Utter and absolute distrust. So I can take great satisfaction when people think that Obama is a citizen of Mongolia or Bhutan, or that he works for the Illuminati, or the Muslim Brotherhood, or all of the above. After all, who's to say aliens don't invade our dreams every night and force us to remember that time we saw our mother naked in the bathtub? Why else would I remember that?

However, we have failed quite often in the past 100 years. At times, we have trusted in other people. This is a huge problem for the republican in us, as some of these trusted folk are in fact agents of The Biggest Brother: The United States of America. Oh, you can laugh, but right  now I can see hapless USDA personnel trying to enforce food safety regulation--and costing you money. Do you want to be safe or do you want money? You can't have both. Therefore we need to educate Americans. The CMs need to be as mistrustful of institutions as were our BFFs.

"But David," you cry, "I don't want my children to die of Salmonella poisoning! And how will Grandma get her hip replacement if Medicare doesn't pay for it?"

Exactly. The USA can't stop your children from dying or Grandma from, um, not-walking. So why expect something it cannot do and give up the most precious thing in your life? (The most precious thing in your life is freedom, in case you didn't guess what I was going to say next): Freedom. So you can have your life of fear of caution, if you wish. Me? I prefer the freedom of being tossed about by the winds, going wherever they take my balloon. Hopefully it won't be Mexico.


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