Wednesday, June 1, 2011

To The Graduates: You Are An Insignificant Worm And Must Submit To The Collective


I don't know who advocated for life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness (without checking Wikipedia, I'm guessing it was either Stalin or Chairman Mao) but boy was that guy wrong! A careful reading of 2 commencement speeches to college graduates have given me all the insight I need to understand how college graduates think. Which I'm sure is exactly like a college commencement address. (Sadly, I was not invited back to my alma mater to re-deliver my previous graduation speech, "The World Is A Miserable Dung Heap." Which simply proves my point.)

What our current crop of college graduates need to do is one thing: Conform. Did you hear that, young people? Conform conform conform. Let me repeat it one more time. Conform.

The critical mind might ask, "Conform to what, sir?" And my answer is, please shut the hell up. No one asked you to ask anything. Others might say, "But what of your insistence on the existence of Pioneering DNA in every Real American?" Fair question. Although only an idiot would ask it. But that was mostly about voting against anything Obama is for. Any idiot can see that. (Which is why most idiots would not ask that question.)

The pursuit of happiness? Bah humbug flim-flammery. It's only when we've been absorbed into the collective that we find happiness. However, our Real American DNA is perpetually threatened invading outsiders. Like a the usurper virus that invades the cell nucleus and begins producing copies of itself like a Hello Kitty factory, the Asian-Jewish-Elito-Mericratic disease is constantly trying to bypass the immune system of mindless patriotic jingoism and make its own carbon copies with our Real American ribosomes. Which, I've pointed out, is precisely the kind of conformity that we do NOT need.

So remember, conform, but conform correctly. Your DNA is counting on it.


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