by THE ECHOCHAMBER
We all know that above all things liberals love abortion. It is more dear to them, even, than food stamps or welfare queens living it up in Harlem or school teachers even. But just as I thought it was safe in Godly South Asia (love the kebabs), now even there the liberals are there, fist-deep in blood and uterine matter and gleefully aborting girl babies. That's right, baby girls.
You might ask, how the deuce is this the fault of liberals? Well it isn't--except that they created modern medicine which is being used in ways I disapprove of. Soon I'm people will come to their sense and we shall rid ourselves of these left-wing Dr. Frankensteins who insist upon playing Prometheus with the Will of Heaven. And of course they will burn in hell for all eternity. (Goes without saying.)
But what if people start practicing sex-selective abortion here? Without girls, there will be too many boys, and dire consequences to follow: A shortage (or surplus) of food, rampaging gay marriage mobs in the streets, and a severe lack of tender caresses. (In other words, a lot like being married.)
But the worst part is that those of us lucky enough to find wives will have to constantly appreciate them. The costs of appreciating women have already pushed this country to the verge of economic catastrophe! And there's no end to pleasing them! My credit line is already dry and I'm mortgaged to the hilt! For God's sake!
So. Anyway, in my next column I shall detail a number of remedies for this potential problem which may well never happen, but serves a wonderful purpose: Anytime a filthy hippie asks me, "What about the capital punishment, the poor, the hungry, the helpless, the disabled, the sightless, the toothless, the hearingless, the see and hear too muches, the casualties of war and pollution and toxic waste and global warming? What of them?"
And all I have to say is, "Abortion." And all is right with my world. Geez, it's really hot today, isn't it?