Thursday, June 9, 2011

WeinerGate: What We've Learned

These are times that try apes' souls. Humans are everywhere, breeding like rabbits, devouring any edible thing in sight (and quite a few that are not), mowing down forests, leaving their garbage everywhere as though the whole planet is their sewer, and tossing bombs at each other while consistently refusing to clean up after themselves. And now they have devised fiendishly clever ways to send each other photos of their own junk. Clearly something must be done. Therefore I am submitting the following recommendations to the High Committee Responsible For The Maintenance Of Ape Purity:
  • Mandatory Installation of Erectometers:  All human males must now be equipped with modern electronic sensors on their genitalia. In this way, their sexual arousal level can be tracked at all times.
  • Separation of the Sexes: Males and females must be kept apart at all times after having reached the age of reproduction. Because frankly they are just too big to flush. Also, this will significantly reduce the number of times a human female must state that she 'has a headache'.
  • Make Cock Shots A Capital Crime: This needs no explanation. And since apparently sending a snapshot of one's genitals (even when concealed by underwear) is the greatest crime a human can commit, shouldn't we oblige them? (By executing as many of them as possible. Besides--my sword thirsts for human blood! Ah, sweet, delicious, but oh-so-fattening human blood.) 
And please remember to read the signs and do not feed the humans.

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