Tuesday, April 6, 2010

The Cultural Superiority Of Kenya Over Norway.

by David Brooks
Wow, I was reading something in a newspaper somewhere that sounded semi-factual so I decided to write a column about it.  Have you noticed that in spite of their skiing ability, Norwegians are terrible elephant poachers? I decided to investigate this by reading the Republican Party talking points and skimming the Reinhold Niebuhr Wikipedia page.  Those sources would certainly tell me everything I need to know in order to write something about elephant poachers that would agree with my pre-existing biases.

For example, Norwegians are a load of mindless socialists who have lost their independent pioneering Viking heritage of exploration, rape, pillage, and slaughtering little children on the ends of their spears for sport.  So the Real Vikings must have moved to America (or more precisely, Wisconsin and Minnesota) ages ago.  The Norway of today, unfortunately, has fallen prey to the bright shiny trout lure of collectivism, and while this might garner some Olympic gold medals by government support of training and coaching (see Recipe For Olympic Success), surely it can't be worth the cost to a man's soul to live in a country where his child might receive timely medical care without filling out a slew of medical forms and then being told none of your doctors accept Medicaid patients because the reimbursement is so low but we'll cut your foot off if you get diabetes thank you very much.  And that's how we love things in America.

And now contrast the testicle-choking muck, slime and filth of Scandinavian Collectivism (not that I'm opposed to testicle-choking per se) with the proud tradition of pioneering individualistic elephant poaching that continues to this day in Kenya.  These guys are like the freakin' Terminator--they can track an animal for days with barely any food or water, survive on the savanna, blow away an elephant and saw off some ivory faster than you can say Bush has persistence and leadership skill.  Ands some will even leave a suicide note next to the elephant to sow confusion in the any subsequent investigation.  Let's see Norway match that.  Can they? No, all they have is whaling, and that's simply another example of collectivism.  Though it does end in the death of huge animal, so I do tentatively approve.

Nonetheless, let's remember one very important thing, the thing that proves that Individualism is infinitely better than Collectivism: Kenyans are culturally superior to Norwegians because they can kill an elephant.  Have you ever heard of a Norwegian killing an elephant? Me neither.  I think I've proved my point.

And by the way, don't even think about writing to the editors of the New York Times.  I'm a columnist so apparently I can spout any stupid crap that comes into my mind as long as I don't use racial epithets.

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