Friday, January 7, 2011

Only God Can Perform An Abortion

As per usual, I was spending my time productively, watching MTV, when Jersey Shore

was somehow cancelled that night due to the entire cast collectively have taken a temporary vow of silence in order that they could learn to more authentically communicate with one another.  So I ended up doing watching Teen Mom with Jesus.  (I should add that I was doing a wee bit of mescaline over the any rate he looked like Jesus. Beard and everything, told me he lived at the YMCA when he had the cash.  I am learning so much about my faith these days.)

But I discovered something troubling as well.  Abortion is not the huge laugh festival Hollywood makes it out to be.  In fact, it's often a painful and gut-wrenching choice a woman has to make.  Do I have the time and energy to give this child what it needs to succeed in an ever more crowded, overpopulated and competitive world? Can I afford to raise this child? Do I want to bring a child I know will be disabled his entire life into this difficult world?  What would happen to my child if I, the mother, have a terminal disease?  These are the types of questions that too many women must grapple with.

Fortunately, there is an upside to this, a proverbial silver lining: Buying votes with cheap baby-based-sentimentality (BBS).  Because if it's one thing real Christians love, it's babies.  Mainly, the ones that haven't been born yet.  (Just for the record, let's all recall that by 'Christians' I mean people who agree with my views, not the fakie Christians who are going to rot in hell.)  Sure we can drop bombs, cancel the health insurance of our beloved 9/11 responders (the people we've been using to buy votes since 9/11), let mining companies poison our water, hand out antibiotics like chicken feed (as long as they're being given to chickens), and I-won't-bore-you-with-the-rest-'cause-who's-paying-attention-anyway, but God Forbid if some liberal-hippie-doctor touches an unborn embryo...

Because abortion?  That's God's job.  Not some commie hippie with an M.D.  Only He in his Divine Wisdom can decide when He wants to implant an embryo, or not, or maybe it implants but then He kills the mother with septicemia.  Now if God decides to give you dengue fever or polio or bubonic plague or blow you up with a land mine...I'm pretty okay with that.  Accidentally bombing a Muslim farming family?  Well they were going to hell anyways, and who eats goat-cheese besides dirty hippies?  So you can blow up, run over, mow down, shoot, stab, maim, kill, starve, or deny health care--well that's just fine with me.  But once you lay your hands on a fertilized ovum, you'll have Ross to deal with, toots.

Why, you ask? Because God in His omnipotent glory needs people like me to fight for Him, and somehow that makes your embryos my business.  And there's nothing hypocritical about any of that.  And if there was I'm sure He will iron it the wrinkles with His Divine Steam Iron of Providence.  So hands off, commies.

No comments:

Post a Comment