Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Mommy Prison: The Abortion/Infertility Solution

Prof. O. Rang Tang
Director of Human

My colleague Ross Douthat inspired me to think about the argument humans have about abortion. I was thinking really hard the other day about how to solve the human abortion dilemma in a way consistent with our cherished Simian, pro-life values, and finally I flashed on it (or in other words, I had an idea): Mommy prison.

We'll simply set up an intake at abortion clinics, and when women come in for an appointment through the front door, we'll simply have them hustled out the back door Guantanamo-style--hoods and everything.  Then they'll be shipped to an offshore island prison in some tropical hell-hole and stay there until the baby is born, after which the neonate can be FedEx'd to its new, non-Muslim parents.

In fact, we just might be able to keep the humans mom there in the prison, and reproducing after every birth in order to utilize every precious fertilized embryo which the Great Ape, in His Simian Wisdom, created.  Mind you the humans do not typically worship the Great Ape but what the hell do they know? Honestly, humans...

At any rate, this would probably shut them up for a goodly while, until Celebrity Idiocy is on again and then their minds will be too numb to do anything other than open another can of banana lager.  But what to do when the Great Ape, in His Inscrutable Omniscience, decides to create too many humans?  Good question, but this is not a theology course.  I suppose we could always lock them in a cage and let them kill one another, they seem to be pretty good at that.

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