Obama Is Coming To Kill You And Rape Your Daughters

by
Chuckie
Deathhammer

It is my privilege as a published writer in a major national newspaper to wish you all the happiest and most joyous year yet.  And therefore, I would like to say, Obama is coming to kill you, stuff your parents in the Soylent Green factory and rape each and everyone your daughters.  Or he might just send you an email asking for money.  But the risk is clear.


Just the other day, the Obama's Section 1223 decreed mandatory payments for end-of-life counseling.  Up to a shocking once per year.  Get ready to see the people-ovens coming off the production line.  It's only a very short step down from admitting that people will die to murdering them in their sleep.  Is that what you want? You want Obama to come to the nursing home and kill Granny? Because he'll do it, you know.  He's tried to kill me many times already, but I have garlic over my door.  


We all know that life is precious, and never more so than when you're comatose and brain-dead.  And the longer we keep that brain-dead brain alive, and the heart pumping blood to that dead brain, the more preciousness we'll possess.  I think the logic there is pretty sound.  


Also, the government is doing lots of other scary things, such as trying to protect the environment in which we depend for air, water and food and all other kinds of scary nazi stalinist hitler shit.  I don't have time to go into all of that scary stalinist hitler shit right now, but it sounds pretty damn scary, doesn't it?  


And all of this, of course, detracts from the main purpose of the U.S. Government--to keep oil as cheap as possible for as long as possible and burn it as quickly as possible (while keeping out as many immigrants as possible).  (It's in the Constitution, people.)  And no matter how many people die for that, their families will have the satisfaction of knowing that I'm okay and still mongering fear.  Thank you and Happy New Year! As best you can, knowing that Obama is coming to kill and rape your family.

The Sky Is Blue Unless I Say Otherwise

by DAVID
BROOKS

"Our most vibrant institutions are collective, not individual...."


That's correct.  I really said that.  Right in the New York Times.  That's my hinge for an entire argument I've made in a column.  Think about it: Our most vibrant institutions are not 'individual'.  I actually was paid to write that.


Of course, as Merriam-Webster.com defines "institution" as a "significant practice, relationship, or organization in a society or culture," and since humans are by nature social animals and 99% of our behavior occurs, one way or another, in a social context (if not 100%), you might be confused as to what the hell I'm talking about.  Perhaps you're thinking, perhaps he means something like, "groups are not individuals?"  And that is why deficits are good (as long as it's Republicans voting for them). Again, go figure.


But frankly, if you're looking for something profound in my columns, good luck to you, you're an idiot.  But thanks for reading.

David Brooks

The Bullshit Awards

The world is fluid--a marvelous dance of subatomic particles, the very dust of stars, perhaps initiated by some omnipotent watchmaker, all working in conjunction to send ship more crap from China to America.



Nowadays we have this thing called 'science'. But the practitioners of science (I believe they generally wish to be referred to as 'scientists').  They even try to make science known to others by writing 'books' and 'papers'.  However, sometimes scientists disagree.  For example, some studies conclude that astrology "kinda works", whereas others assert that it's "super horseshit".  The point is, we should not throw away the results of scientific studies, no matter how nonsensical, poorly planned, sloppily conducted, incorrectly analyzed, or just plain wrong it is.  Why dispense with any horse shit that happens to agree with my pre-conceived notions about how the world works? And my pre-conceived notion about how the world works is this: I actually believe whatever specious crap I'm shoveling today.

For example: I advocate for decreased debt, but I'm also for tax cuts that blow a trillion-dollar hole in the budget, not to mention that sucking wound in the sands of Iraq.  And I seriously appear to believe in simple regulations as a solution to our problems of ever-increasing stresses on our environment, of regulating financiers, of, well, pretty much everything.  After all, science has told us that the world is going to be exactly the same in 100 years as it is now--I'm pretty sure I read that somewhere.

So I feel obligated to award this year's Bullshit Award to the person who deserves it most--me.  See you next year with a fresh new pile of the same ole' same ole'.



David Brooks

Real Christians Against Compassion

by ROSS DOUTHAT

Hiya. Ross in da house.  I'd love to say 'happy New Year,' I really would.  But I just can't. My life, I've realized, is the perpetual suffering of one injustice after another.  Just when I thought I was over the horror of living in a world filled with fake-ass fronters boning in on my very serious Resurrection Celebration (till next year at least), suddenly I am beset by a new affliction.


Liberals (you know how they are/all-alike) had resorted to a fantasy world, and the worst kind of fantasy world: One where Reason supplanted idiotic beliefs about transplanting democracy in the Middle East, burying trillions of dollars in a giant gaping bleeding wound known as 'Iraq', that toxic waste isn't toxic, policing greed with more greed (and so on).  Needless to say I was thrilled when these fabulists had there comeuppance.

But now things are different.  The insanely wealthy have their tax cuts, the noxiously unemployed still have unemployment, and in a move that fills me with a gut-wrenching disgust, the 9/11 responders are to be compensated for medical treatment. (For responding to 9/11! What gives? That money belongs to America.  I shudder to think how many plasma TV sets might remain on the shelves for these Münchhausen Syndrome malingerers.)

Well, that's the world we live in today.  Filled with compromise, stinking of corruption.  But hark ye the words of Jeremiah, unbelievers: "For if thine Accounts Payable doth exceed think Revenue Stream, yay, forfeit thine soul shall be, and accrued interest on municipal bonds naught will become."  But now, at least, you can see me for the kind of Christian I really am: A blustery little fart of a man whose idea of spirituality ends at his checkbook.

Ross Douthat

SCIENCE: Oprah's Ego Threatens Fabric Of Space And Time

A team of astrophysical-psychologists, using results from the observable light, as well as radio, x-ray and gamma ray observatories, have tentatively concluded that Oprah Winfrey's ego has become nearly as massive as the universe itself--thereby threatening not only our existence  but possibly entire galaxies; perhaps even the universe itself.

"Were this to happen, the damage would be far beyond catastrophic. In addition to destroying our universe, it's possible that the effects of this super-ultra-massive ego would actually spill over into really cool multiverses, say, one where Hendrix is still alive, or perhaps where Jedi knights can really use the force (not like the ones I met at ComiCon), creating incredibly dense bodies radiating enormous bursts of hypothetical lame particles," stated Dr. Zygot X Killjoy of the Berne University of Switzerland.  "In turn," he continued, "these multiverses would then be filled with laundry detergent advertisement gag beams, predictable dreary celebrity gush radiation, and an utterly depressing diffusion of audience woo! quanta on scales impossible to imagine."

"Our only hope," he concluded, "is to build a portal to a universe where Oprah never existed.  Otherwise, all we can do is watch as our world implodes.  Or perhaps construct a time machine. I must get back to work now."


Oprah

The Devil's Escalator

by SHYAMALAN

[Scene 1:  A shopping mall escalator with terrifying vistas.  The scrubbed-clean look of the Apple Store is an  ironic counterpoint to the horrible fate that awaits our characters.]
Stereotypical Ex-Frat Boy:
Wow, do you think this escalator is going to go all the way up to the third floor? I should mention that I always grope at least one woman while on public transit.
Elderly Woman Stereotype::
Never cared for escalators myself.  I feel like I'm moving too fast. In my day we had stairs but then the government shut down all  the stairs.
[clunking noise]
Bland Guy Sterotype: What was that?

Scary Black Guy Stereotype: The escalator. It--stopped
Bland Guy: Don't worry, I'm sure someone will come to fix it soon.
Black Guy: You don't understand--I have a severe fear of standing in one spot. Help! Help! Help!"

Incompetent Tit Stereotype: Don't worry, I'll fix it in a minute. Oh, I'm dead.

Superstitious Immigrant Stereotype: When I was small, my grandmother would tell me a story about how the Devil interfering with mechanical devices and electronic devices so that he could torture the damned while they were still on earth.

Steve, Yet Another Uninteresting Character: How did this story end?

Superstitious Guy: I don't know.  I'd become so terrified that I'd piss myself and then she'd laugh and laugh.

Uninteresting Guy: Wow, what a bitch.

Superstitious Guy: Rather.

[End Scene I]


Shaymalan

Crap Of Christmas Past

by ROSS
DOUTHAT

Yo. Ross here. Much like me, if you're a Real Christian (i.e. Real American), Christmas is an incredibly challenging time. As I've said before, money is not important in political advertising. But when people use it to exploit your children into asking you to buy shit, it's really annoys me--financially and morally. How dare they? And all of the fake-ass bitches showing up in Church once a year to feel good about life for a bit without even worrying about how they're going to hell for not showing up the rest of the year? Disgusting. And the fake-ass religions that are not only not American but also not even real Christianity? (Short List: Atheists, Dionysians, Quakers). Sickening.

So there are bucketfuls of awful things happening at Chrimstmas time. I also hear that some people are unemployed and shit, but let's focus on the important thing: Culture. After all, what doth it profiteth a man to go on the dole, and lose his soul?  I'm sure I would take my soul over a roof any day of the week.

And yet we must reach some sort of acoomodation with the hell-bound fiends (see above). After all, they're going to have an enternity to rot there, and the Real Christians like me will have eternity to watch them suffer. And isn't that what it's all about?  (Oh, and if you're a NY Times subscriber, yes you will be tormented in Perdition forever and ever, sorry about that for the regular subscribers.)

Merry Christmas, everyone!