Do Not Feed The Humans

by GENERAL A. GORILLA
Many have noticed an apparent increase in humans near their homes.  Remember that humans, although at time maybe considered “cute”, are not—repeat not—domesticated.  Therefore please exercise due caution to prevent aggressive ape-human interactions by following these simple rules:

1. Do NOT feed the humans under any circumstances.  They will learn to expect food regularly and then become angry if they do not receive their “lunch” or “dinner”.  They can then become aggressive and vicious, potentially throwing rocks or Molotovs.
2. Do NOT leave food waste outside your house.  Either use the garbage disposal or invest in a human-proof garbage canister.  The more humans see you as a food source, the more likely aggressive human-ape interactions are to happen. 
3. Do NOT go near human cubs.  While they may seem harmless, the mother could be nearby and perceive you as a threat.  Many people have been injured by having soccer equipment and cell phones launched at them from an angry ‘mama’ human.  Others have received angry emails questioning the recipients’ sexual proclivities with unseemly and snide remarks.
4. Do NOT go near adult females.  Often they appear to be small, docile, and harmless, but often they have one or more adult males lurking nearby.  These are frequently drunk, angry, or armed with sharpened stick and often all of the above.  These can be extremely dangerous, although most of the time they simply engage in normal threat behavior, asking you if ‘you starin’ at my lady?’  Simply ignore them and they will generally go away.
5. DO keep your yard neat and tidy.  Our scientists have learned from observation that humans love garbage and also love to make more of it. 
6. DO exercise caution when outdoors.  Avoid places humans are drawn to, such as garbage dumps, places that sell highly processed food, and any where there is loud music. 

In my next column I will discuss how to handle the most dreaded situation of all—a human attack.  In the meantime, remember to keep our humans wild, and treat them with distance and respect, as with all wild creatures.