Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I Am A Conservative And I Need Help (by special guest columnist David Brooks)

Op-Ed Columnist - Bill Wilson’s Gospel - NYTimes.com

"Hi, everyone, my name is David"

"Hi David."

"and I need help. I'm addicted to always being right no matter what the facts are."

"Go on David, you're among friends."

"It's so hard to cherry-pick only the facts that support my specious arguments..."

"Oh we've been there, David, believe us, we've been there."

"...I mean using science to try to destroy science, it's just so hard, because mean people keep knocking holes in my argument and before you know it it looks like Swiss cheese...."

"Oh David, the empirical method, don't get us started."

"...and then I just feel really frustrated that instead of agreeing with me, people just keep going on their own way, using their own critical faculties...why why why, what's the point of it all?"

"Ah, people who want to think for themselves instead of listening to conservative columnists who sound like cheap shills, we know David, we know."

"If I didn't know I was right all of the time, it would really really hurt, it's like all I have is my influential position and the money I've made as a plastic horn for the forces of greed...but still I sometimes it makes me so, so sad...."

"That's it David, let it all out, have a good cry...there there, we know...hey, there was an article about the social habits of the T. Rex--maybe you can use that as a way to backhandedly praise Mr. Obama?"

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