Monday, May 10, 2010

Did You Know Bad Stuff Happened In Iraq?

by super special awesome guest columnist David Brooks

It's true! Bad stuff happend there! I swear to god, it's really amazing. I mean, here it is, 2010, and all this bad stuff was happening, and oh my goodness, it was quite a mess! So my column today will tell you what went wrong. Why? Because the readers of the New York Times hibernate for years at a time, so they tend to be very uninformed.  Which is why I need to tell them this very important and philosophy-based information.

So pull up a chair, or sit on the floor if you wish, as wise old Uncle David Brooks (that's me!) tells you about how liberal elitism almost caused us to lose the war to free Iraq that no one living in Iraq really seemed to want.  It's really quite a fascinating tale, but since my elitist readers are a rather simple folk, let me tell it as though I'm talking to a load of primary school children.  You see the big bad liberal elitists made the Army do a lot of stupid things.  So there was this thing called the "in-sur-gen-cy" (say it again, fast this time, "insurgency").  And it was bad.  And a lot of people got hurt real bad.  But the liberal elitism of the Army would not allow people to fight the insurgency. Finally Soldier Petraeus turned up and fought the insurgency. Mostly by giving them a lot of money not to kill anyone.  It's kind of like if you gave candy to someone for a favor, right? Right.  So just imagine that these bad Iraqis were suddenly given lots and lots of candy, and then they became good Iraqis.  And now everyone was happy.

But why did so many people have to get hurt so bad?  Well, it was liberal elitism--the kind that folks learn in colleges and then get real uppity.  But not the decent real American kind of folks we see at the American Enterprise Institute.  No, the kind of snooty professors who think the government is always right and never want to change anything--folks like Angela Davis or Noam Chomsky.  If it wasn't for them, by gum, lots of people could have been saved.  In business schools, like the Harvard MBA program that Bush attended, it's all about learning to adjust to new situations. That's why Bush could save so many people during the Katrina storm, and that's why it only took him a failed election in 2006--four years after the invasion--to embrace the new counter-insurgency doctrine.

Well kids, Uncle David is going to take a rest now and dream about the job opportunities that will open up for him when George F. Will kicks it.  I swear that fucker is never going to die.

(Pictured Below: Examples of Liberal Elitists Who Brainwash Youth, Love Government, And Hate Change)

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