Tuesday, May 25, 2010

At Last, I Have The Answer: Hippies Did It

by special guest columnist David Brooks
I know what you're all thinking, that this is just another one of my bizarrely detached-from-reality, well-paid-conservative-shill-ing of whatever the Republican Party is either for or against.  But it's not that simple.  Not at all.

Because hippies did it.

Now you may contend, gentle reader, that once again I am just a cheap political hack posing as some intellectual giant, and at least William F. Buckley possessed some genuine wit for fuck's sake, but the truth is ever so contrary.

Because hippies did it.

Dirty, Dionysian, dosed-to-the-eyeballs-on-acid, life-loving, let's-all-have-a-party-and-love-one-another-and-enjoy-life hippies.  (Hippies. Hippies hippies hippies.)

I even wrote a short poem about it:

Once upon a time,
there was an Eden in America (specifically, The Eisenhower Adminstration)
And then came the hippies to tear it all  down.
                                   dirty hippies trying to feel joy
They do not know America,
They do not know-
They do not know- 
You're Welcome.

In the year 1955, the U.S. had achieved Paradise.  Black people still could not drink from a white man's water fountain, everyone was terrified of the USSR, with the Cuban Missile Crisis just around the corner; Congress put on show trials of suspected communists on this new thing called television no less, and all one had to do to return to become a real American once more was to fall prostrate before Tailgunner Joe, confess, and name names.  No one dreamed of anything more than a two-car garage and a house in Levittown--well, perhaps a swimming pool.  But then--they came.

Forth came the hippies, and before you could say My Lai Massacre, the hippies had swarmed us like African bees.  But worse.  Because these people wanted to enjoy life, to live in the filth of  the earth and breed and rut like the animals they were, not die an agonizing death in filth in Vietnam while fighting our proxy war with Brezhnev.  Who would not want to die in Vietnam? (If you guessed "hippies", you were right.).  Elitist hippies who went to Harvard.

So just remember, the next time a so-called 'progressive' mentions the civil rights movement, Vietnam, Cheney's draft deferments, Bush's service in the National Guard, the Iraq and Afghanistan screw-ups, social injustice, poverty, and all of these other trivial "facts", just remember: Hippies.

Because hippies did it.

(Next week: How we ended terrorism by invading Iraq.)


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