From The Department Of Death Poetry: Not-At-All Famous Last Words

I am quite certain that my last words will most likely be, "My boyfriend keeps trying to put his dick in my ass--thanks Obama!" Then I will laugh for a millisecond before a prolonged coughing fit and at last choking to death on my own vomit.

Why? Because it's funny, that's why.
#thanksobama #jennamarbles

The Economist Asks, 'Are Our Billionaires Too Poor?'

This week, the fine people of The Economist show the courage to confront the billionaires for whom they slave. Bravely ask, "Have we been nice enough? Could we be nicer? Perhaps they need a foot massage? Clawing back pensions, buying presidents and prime ministers, and leveraged buy-outs that enrich no one but themselves is terribly hard work. How about a shoulder rub? A blow-job? Should we talk about the filthy lazy unwashed masses who love poverty? Whatever it takes, whatever it takes..."

Kill-An-Unarmed-Black-Teen Lottery Has New Winner

Darren Wilson,
Lottery Winner

The Kill-An-Unarmed-Black-Teen Lottery has new winner, it has been announced: Officer Darren Wilson of Ferguson, Missouri. When asked for comment on his receipt of over $1 million USD, Wilson reportedly shouted, "Away, negro demon of the underworld!" and started shooting.
#ferguson
#michaelbrown
#darrenwilson

Just Because You're Paid To Be A Journalist, Doesn't Mean You Have To Act Like One

A True Story From National Public Radio

Arun Rath: Greetings Generic Republican legislator, I am your friendly NPR customer service rep. How may I help you today?

GOP Rep. Tom Cole: Can you let me rant about the evil of Nazibama, ask leading questions to set up my talking-point playbook response, and not point out a single factual error? That would be swell!

Arun Rath: Why yes we can! That is our job here at NPR! Can you put on a pretense of having any kind of conscience or moral principles whatsoever?

GOP Rep. Tom Cole: Nope.

Arun Rath: Ah, well...we don't really care, we get paid either way, you know?

#immigration, #obama, #tomcole, #assholes, #npr

Trending: Is Self-Digestion The New Foodie Cool?

Auto-digestion might just be the new cool foodie trend, say the Trendites. What do you think? If you ate yourself, what would be the best method of preparation? Will you give it a shot? Let us know!
#cannabalism

From The Department of Thanks Obama!

This ad, evidently, is not a joke, except on the American people. Having not watched the video (certain that it was very informative though), I never found out what pernicious plans Obama has for my jar of Skippy peanut butter (extra crunchy, or so the label assures me).

It does, however, link to a survivalist website which bills itself as "food4patriots.com"....Though why patriots need any more or less food than anyone else exceeds both my knowledge of human physiology and patriotism: Consult your nearest patriotic physiologist for further information.

Now I must load my All-American, Star-Spangled Glock from Sweden and guard my freedom-butter. 

Delicious Cheescake Wears Camera And Walks Streets Of Manhattan, You Won't Believe How Many People Looked

A delicious slice of cheesecake wore a hidden camera and walked the streets of Manhattan yesterday, and you won't believe how many people unashamedly looked at the hapless, defenseless pie. Both men and women shouted rude remarks, such as, "I want to eat you with a cup of coffee!" At last report, the cheesecake entered the office of our editor and has not been seen since, although our editor assures he walked the cake slice to its car and saw it drive away so there's no chance that he could know anything about anything about a goddamn slice of cheesecake.