The Axis of the Obsessed and Deranged - Readers' Comments - NYTimes.com

The Axis of the Obsessed and Deranged - Readers' Comments - NYTimes.com

Transcript From The White Men Who Rule The World

"Ha ha! Another black woman has had an abortion." "Excellent...yes, before abortion black people had no power, but now we can control them. Now let us be silent while I twirl my moustache in a most evil fashion." "I agree, Master--hey, is that a microphone?"

Good Chimps, Bad Deeds

Officer Frank Chiafari on Fatally Shooting Travis the Chimp - NYTimes.com

Mossad's Wackiest Assassination Videos!

THE ECONOMY

National Frivolity Index at all-time low. Interest in Tiger Woods' at all-time high.

Time-Traveling Haircut From 1979 Warns Congress About Defective Toyota Parts

Haircut Assumes Control Of Human To Testify Before Congressional SubCommittee On Time Travel & Automotive Safety

Technorati Tags: Toyota,Time-Travel

An Open Letter To NPR

Dear National Public Radio Weekend Edition: First of all, let me thank you for the in-depth analysis of Tiger Woods' public humiliation*. That was powerful stuff and I really learned a lot of stuff. Apparently, this crazy Tiger Woods fellow seems to think he has some god-given right to privacy. And some people at NPR think this stuff is like really, really important, so important it can take 5-10% of the airtime on a given program. So now I know it's important. I tried to tell you this before, but apparently I used a bad word and my letter was never sent to you, because a computer somewhere says that the word "cock" might be read by someone at NPR, and what if "cock" and "Tiger Woods" were used in the same paragraph? For example: The image of a black man's penis could involuntarily manifest itself in the mind Steve Innskeep, or a female intern, and then someone's head might explode. So thank you for taking the time away from these stupid wars and stupid recessions and stupid corrupt and incompetent elected officials in order to justify our lurid, prurient fascination with the genitalia of the rich and famous. So thank you so very, very much. Yours Truly, DRT *Weekend Edition Saturday, 20-FEB-2010

Congress Subpeonas Tiger Woods' Cock.

"What did you know and when did you know it? Remember, you are oath, sir."

People Acting Like Complete Idiots In The Snow For Some Damn Reason

THESE ARE WORDS AND LETTERS

THIS IS A POST

We Must Attach A Camera To Tiger Woods' Cock, America.

Our Great Nation is in a crisis: We do not know enough about Tiger Woods' cock. Where has it been? What has it done? Why did it do what it did? And just as importantly: How?

Until America has the answers to these questions, we cannot rest, we cannot relax, we cannot regurgitate, we cannot perform any other activities which begin with the letter 'r'.

Imagine if we had simply ignored Watergate? Nixon would never have been re-elected. Therefore we must struggle on, turning over evey dark stone and revealing the horrid putridness beneath it to the cleansing light above. And the best way to do this is to put a camera on the cock.

(Preferably a streaming web cam, so the entire world can see exactly where a black man's cock is at all times. No, that's not gay at all, it's perfectly reasonable and it's justice. How will our white women be safe from black cocks otherwise?)

Thank You, National Public Radio

Yes, thank you for hosting a discussion of this important issue: A golf player's cock. And even better, a FAMOUS golf player's cock. And what the cock had to say about his cock. And then you asked for money because this is the only place we can get news like this.

News Alert! Someone Takes Picture Of Bono

A man needs a friend like a fish needs a bicycle. Stick that in your ass and light it, Bono.



In other newsworthy news, Bono is insulted on the Internet.

Things That Are So Wrong Catholics Must Speak Out.

Gay Marriage. What were you thinking?

Dubai Welcomes "Hamas iPhone Conference"

Hey there all you Hamas knuckleheads! Yes, you want to behead anyone with a Torah (preferably on video)--but do you know how to use 3G wireless to boost sales?  The smartphone is the next wave in 21st century marketing.  Forget about bootleg DVDs. Remember: Your audience wants their martyrdom videos--and they want them now. The 'cloud' is the future!
(God is great.)

THE OLYMPIC COMMITTEE

"Pretending you care if someone lives or dies is hard work."

Technorati Tags: Winter Olympics

How Christian Were the Founders? - Readers' Comments - NYTimes.com

How Christian Were the Founders? - Readers' Comments - NYTimes.com: "And so textbook publishers bravely soldiered together and said, \'Yes--we will take your money. Thank you very much.\' Gotta admire that spirit."

Reading Between the Sheets - Readers' Comments - NYTimes.com

Reading Between the Sheets - Readers' Comments - NYTimes.com

It's very important to remember that humans are definitely not animals, and therefore sexuality is completely shaped by social pressures. (Men can get pregnant, they just refuse to do it because they're spoiled, self-centered bastards.) And we can be certain that women don't "give a fig" about such pressures anymore, which is why they would read this article and then post a comment about it.

And it is certainly unfair to poor, poor Jenny Sanford that men behave so atrociously. All she has now is her book deal and maybe a run for the Senate to console her, and maybe a few millions in alimony. But of what use is money and power when you've lost your husband (who bought you a used bicycle) to some latina trollop? Sounds pretty horrible. Well, I'm sure she will not try to make a quick buck off of her story--that would just demean her (and for some reason, it seems, women everywhere). deadrodentyping

Texas Scientists Produce Creationist Computer

In what is no doubt a first in the field of artificial intelligence, scientists at the University of Texas in Houston have managed to create the world's first computer that believes in creationism. The computer, CODY9000, can answer any question with the phrase "Jesus did it," is convinced of that life is a "miracle", and constantly cites Deuteronomy in every social interaction. Commented lab tech James Han, "Yeah, it's a real pain--you can't use Excel without it asking, 'Did you know that God is cool?' I think they're going to buy a Hewlett-Packard next week and donate CODY to a Sunday school."

Palin’s Cunning Sleight of Hand - Readers' Comments - NYTimes.com

Palin’s Cunning Sleight of Hand - Readers' Comments - NYTimes.com: "As you've said before, it's not the facts, it's the story that sells. And if \'the machine\' can sell Shrubya as Regular Joe who magically sprouted from the marriage of a GM pickup and a Nebraska cornfield, or a pointless, endless \'war\', how hard can it be to convince voters that Republicans love the common man so much they'd rather be dead than take one dime of campaign funding from a company that enriches itself through legal Ponzi schemes? deadrodentyping"

Watching China Run

Watching China Run - Readers' Comments - NYTimes.com: "Well, we did need a civil war just to decide that slaves were people. Maybe we need another one to upgrade the transport system or control Medicare costs? Just a suggestion."

SCIENCE: Is There A Future For Manned Prostitution?

First Known Photo Of Robot Molesation


There is no case, I repeat no case, for spending valuable U.S. taxpayer dollars on manned prostitution. Every year, the amount of data we can gather through unmanned visits increases as the costs decrease; in the meantime, the risks of manned expeditions increase exponentially, even as costs rise. Risk estimates are frequently misleading, and followed by years of costly overruns due to unexpected expenses. If you think it's amusing to be named in a paternity suit or be told that you have an 'exotic' variant of Gonorrhea, I can assure--as can millions of other Americans--that it is neither amusing nor inexpensive. Laugh if you will, but remember this: We are putting the lives of Americans in danger--is that, sir, a laughing matter? I submit to you that it is not. And when unmanned emissions are becoming more and more practical and economical, we must put all due effort into furthering this effort. And that's the way it is, America.

Doctor Works To Get Young Men Out Of 'Wrong Place' : NPR

Doctor Works To Get Young Men Out Of 'Wrong Place' : NPR: "It was my routine to sit and drink coffee as I scanned the Metro section of the Boston Globe to find out whether any young men had been shot or stabbed within the past day"

Milking True: Jenny Sanford Tells Her Story (Again) (And Again) (And Again And Again And Again And Again...)

Milking True: Or Sucking This Bit In The Spotlight For All The Cash And Power I Can Grab With My Aging Gnarled Claws
That's right, in my book (now for sale at Barnes & Noble for a mere $29.99 and worth every penny I can assure you), I tell you my inspiring tale of how I went from victim (married to a wealthy and powerful man on whose policies I exercised great influence, as well as running his political campaigns) to victory, because apparently a lot of women are sanguine enough to actually believe that. And the reason I'm telling this lurid toilet-paper-stuck-to-your-shoe-trash is certainly not not for my benefit, but for all of the Good Christian Family Loving Conservative White Women Out There Who Are Certain There Husband Is Banging A Hot Latina News Anchor. (This book is not for Hot Latina News Anchors. Got that? Okay, remember that.) This book is for them, so that they will know that someday that if their husband commits adultery, they too might be able to write a book about it and get a microphone shoved in their respective fat faces.

You see, I had no idea my husband was some sort of freaky weirdo who would at some point have a mid-life crisis and start putting his cock inside of some South American harlot! I seriously thought that all he wanted was to have a family, worship God, and make life miserable for unemployed people by denying them benefits. I thought that was the good, kind thoughtful man I married--a freak I could control, not some freak who would get freaky like James Brown.

And I was so hurt and ashamed by this wound that I realized I had to write a book about it, and then go in public and talk about it, and then talk about it again when I run for governor or senator or maybe just get a local FM talk show like maybe in the state capital if nothing else comes up.

The House of Tranquillity - Readers' Comments - NYTimes.com

The House of Tranquillity - Readers' Comments - NYTimes.com: "I find many of the comments puzzling--as though Obama would just be able to waltz in and reverse decades of neglectful-to-bad governance. \'Did you really think it was going to be that easy, Obama?\' \'Yeah. For a second there, I really did.\' \'Silly rabbit....\'"

Once Again, Priests Have No Sense Of Humor

Forgot to mention, yet another Catholic official very UN-ironically denouncing gay marriage (this time in Mexico City).

So, hiding rapists who bugger altar boys: Pro-Family.

Hot Latina Lesbians: Anti-Family.

Just imagine all of the children born because of the fantasy of Hot Latina Lesbians (or whatever fantasy girl/girl action ethnicity spins one's wheels).

Did I just steal a Colbert bit?

President Palin....hmmmmm?

Gazing into our crystal ball into the misty distant future, we can only dream and wonder what beautific visions of Palins Future will bring to us.

Although one might suspect that it could be a lot like this....
President Palin awakens in the morning, and her manservant, the newly divorced and unelectable Mr. McCain, is already awake, dressed in a suit and ready to present Her Majesty with freshly squeezed juice, scrambled eggs (Alaska-style, whatever that is) and bacon. He reads her mail to her as she breaks her fast. Soon she is surrounded by policy advisors telling her what to say today, as Mr. McCain stands silently holding a silver serving tray. Eventually he is dismissed, which gives him enough time to change into a chauffeur's uniform. His duties include driving Her Majesty to book signings and speaking engagements, and also lighting her cigarettes promptly when the tobacco stick is in her fingers. How has he fallen so far, he wonders to himself, still finding it hard to believe that 99% of his 401K went to child support.

On the way to the speech to a group of people who will either be dressed in tri-cornered hats or ceremonial Native American headdress, Mr. McCain must stop and pull over in order to change the diapers of her latest disabled child. And before he can start the car, Her Majesty has spawned yet another wee beastie to present to her adoring public, making Queen Victoria look less fertile than the Gobi Desert. Standing silently behind and below Her Majesty, he awaits until the proper moment to uplift the black egg in front of the roaring crowd, and as it hatchets and skaddles off to invade the thorax of a staff intern, the people cheer: Palin! Palin! Palin! Palin! Palin!

Yes, that sounds like a plausible scenario.

When your blingbling is crapcrap.

Yo.

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No Beer And No TV Make Home Go Something Something

No Beer And No TV Make Home Go Something Something

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The Toyota Debacle

If their CEO if forced to commit seppuku on camera, it'll all have been worth it. Preferably, with a bamboo sword.

Supply Of Black Baby Orphans Rather Low At This Point

Blue Baby Orphans Now Being Accepted.

A Few Of My Favorite Mobs

by David Brooks

There's nothing more gratifying than seeing a mob of good white chrisitian townsfolk heading down to the voting booth, pitchforks and torches in hand, ready to burn at the slightest command.


Who cares if they're right or wrong? They're white, christian, angry, and old, and the most important thing to them is their government handouts that they deserve because the government stole it from them in the first place. Yes, these are the people who will band together to solve the problems of pollution, unemployment, and fiscal irresponsibility--listen to their cry! "Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!" Yes, these are the people who will help us solve America's problems and put us back on top.

Angry Cinema!

HARRISON FORD TELLS PEOPLE TO PLEASE ERASE THE WHITE BOARD BEFORE THEY EXIT FROM THE PROPER EXIT IF THEY MUST INSIST ON USING HIS LABORATORY!