Closeted Homophobes Plan To Whack Off To Biblical BDSM Snuff Film

A group of repressed homophobes announced their plans to sexually pleasure themselves to prolonged film sequences of a man being slathered in body grease, sadistically beaten, and then murdered in a painful and excruciating fashion, all while being dramatically lit and photographed by professional trade guild members.

The reaction from observers was characterized by a complete lack of either shock or suprise. Several onlookers did, however, shrug their shoulders. At least one was heard to say, "I never would have expected that," although the tone seemed to be one of mockery and derision rather than actual astonishment.

Non-Threatening Black Guy Had Second Career As Rapist, As It Turns Out

The black guy who didn't threaten any white people turns out to have been a rapist, it has been reported.

In other news, that nice stepfather everyone on your block likes is molesting his stepdaughter, though his wife is pretty sure that the girl must be crazy because who would say something like that because he is like the nicest guy?

#cosby

From The Department Of Death Poetry: Not-At-All Famous Last Words

I am quite certain that my last words will most likely be, "My boyfriend keeps trying to put his dick in my ass--thanks Obama!" Then I will laugh for a millisecond before a prolonged coughing fit and at last choking to death on my own vomit.

Why? Because it's funny, that's why.
#thanksobama #jennamarbles

The Economist Asks, 'Are Our Billionaires Too Poor?'

This week, the fine people of The Economist show the courage to confront the billionaires for whom they slave. Bravely ask, "Have we been nice enough? Could we be nicer? Perhaps they need a foot massage? Clawing back pensions, buying presidents and prime ministers, and leveraged buy-outs that enrich no one but themselves is terribly hard work. How about a shoulder rub? A blow-job? Should we talk about the filthy lazy unwashed masses who love poverty? Whatever it takes, whatever it takes..."

Kill-An-Unarmed-Black-Teen Lottery Has New Winner

Darren Wilson,
Lottery Winner

The Kill-An-Unarmed-Black-Teen Lottery has new winner, it has been announced: Officer Darren Wilson of Ferguson, Missouri. When asked for comment on his receipt of over $1 million USD, Wilson reportedly shouted, "Away, negro demon of the underworld!" and started shooting.
#ferguson
#michaelbrown
#darrenwilson

Just Because You're Paid To Be A Journalist, Doesn't Mean You Have To Act Like One

A True Story From National Public Radio

Arun Rath: Greetings Generic Republican legislator, I am your friendly NPR customer service rep. How may I help you today?

GOP Rep. Tom Cole: Can you let me rant about the evil of Nazibama, ask leading questions to set up my talking-point playbook response, and not point out a single factual error? That would be swell!

Arun Rath: Why yes we can! That is our job here at NPR! Can you put on a pretense of having any kind of conscience or moral principles whatsoever?

GOP Rep. Tom Cole: Nope.

Arun Rath: Ah, well...we don't really care, we get paid either way, you know?

#immigration, #obama, #tomcole, #assholes, #npr

Trending: Is Self-Digestion The New Foodie Cool?

Auto-digestion might just be the new cool foodie trend, say the Trendites. What do you think? If you ate yourself, what would be the best method of preparation? Will you give it a shot? Let us know!
#cannabalism