And Then The Voices of a Million Hipsters, Shrieking in Pain...

Hipsters across the galaxy were dismayed by Brian Eno's recent comment this year, "Everything is cool." Screaming into their iPhones, pleading for the ghosts of dead junkie alt-rockers to send them wisdom via their iTunes playlist, these wretches cried out in agony, wondering how would they ever be able to look disdainfully on the rest of the hypocritical ignorant bourgeoisie if they could no longer distinguish themselves with countless hours of sorting through the works of vacuous, self-important grandstanding narcissists and heroin addicts. But the most terrifying question to many was "Who the hell is Brian Eno? Was he in a band?" went unasked, as no one was willing to admit that he or she did not know the answer.

Guns Protect Washington Police Officers.

Yes, think how much worse it could have been.

Who Gives A Shit 2.0? By Lance Armstrong.

Hi, I'm that guy who loves to talk about how fucking great he is at riding a bicycle. And guess what? You can buy a book I pretended to have written. What's it about? It's about how fucking great I am at riding a bicycle. Forwards, up hills, down hills, flat surfaces--I can do it all. And I'm really good at it. Really. So go out and plop down 29.99 dollars for a new hardcover copy of my book. Why the hell wouldn't you? It's about me. Me, Lance Armstrong, the guy who's fucking great at riding a bicycle. John Stewart loves me, he looked a little gay to me really, but what the hell, a sale is a sale. And I ride a bicycle. Good. (Goodly?)

Dwight D. Eisenhower: PUSSY.

Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the cloud of threatening war, it is humanity hanging from a cross of iron.
Dwight D. Eisenhower, From a speech before the American Society of Newspaper Editors, April 16, 1953
34th president of US 1953-1961 (1890 - 1969)

Gov. Mick Huckabee Feels Ghost of Willie Horton Gently Raping Him In The Ass.

Governor Huckabee woke up after realizing he had granted clemency to a man whom several years later shot four police officers, and felt something heavy and warm on top of him. "Yo, remember me?" At first Gov. Huckabee thought is was the ghost of Barry White or Black Father Christmas, but the ghost then identified himself as once having been Willie Horton. "That's right--I fucked with Dukakis and now it's a must that I fuck with you." After enduring a long and unpleasant bout of nonconsensual homosexuality, the ghost grabbed a Coors out of the fridge, saying "Don't worry, I'll be back in 2012." The governor felt relieved until he saw a line of reporters going out the door, ready to do the exact same thing. "Well, hop on," he said with his usual optimism, "we may as well get this thing over with."

Global Warming Climate Conspiracy?

First of all, you should never call a fool a "fool"--if that fool is boorish, self-righteous right-winger who will be put on Fox News 24/7 in order to prove how how not only are liberals rude, but also that all scientists you disagree with are cunts trying to get rich off the global warming scam give us all AIDS.

So FUCK YOU, science! FUCK. YOU.

Major Hassan.

Okay, someone has to say it. WORST. PSYCHIATRIST. EVER.