Sunday, August 15, 2010

Hammertime: It's Time To End Religious Freedom

by Chuck "The Hammer" Krauthammer

A place is made sacred by what people believe--this is a fact so painfully obvious that only the godless-liberal-elite could drive by it without noticing.  For example, Michael Bloomberg in his limo.  Much the way I fail to notice my Mexican groundskeepers.  Are they there? Who knows? The grounds are kept, and God help them if they're unkept.

Sacredness is created by the suffering of the ignorant and the sacrifice of heroes, and the presence of the transcendent: This is why we must build a a gigantic, 200-story McDonald's outlet at Ground Zero--lest the sacrifice and suffering be forgotten, we must construct not a mosque, not a community center, but a place that creates more suffering and sacrifice.  In this case the suffering of the ignorant who eat there because they can't find any other convenient place for lunch, and the sacrifice of those who must work there because it's the only job they can find.  And as they devour more saturated fat in one excessive five-minute meal than your average Roman slave would get in a lifetime, there children can play in the smoke-inhalation tubes, the bouncing-bodies-bounce, the collapsing-walls-wonderland, or maybe just look at photos of charred bodies while munching on chicken nuggets dipped in BBQ sauce.

The worst thing we could do is let people worship their god anywhere near Ground Zero.  This is not only offensive to the hellbound who infest Manhattan like headlice--it's also offensive to the heaven-bound who perpetually complain about the separation of Church and State, or anyone who wants to interfere in the making of a profit (as when I saw nothing wrong with Walt Disney's Country Bear Gettysburg Massacre Jubilee Singalong).

Furthermore, when people worship their god--especially a god I dislike--it makes them forget the wonderful ways we celebrate suffering and sacrifice, such as watching sports games on Veterans Day (this helps us remember the millions who died pointlessly in the WWI, and thanking them for doing so by chugging brewskies).

Besides, there are restrictions on where we build things.  Zoning laws, albeit inherently evil unless say you're plowing a black neighborhood over with a freeway, are a good thing (such as plowing over a mosque with a freeway).  It's not like we're building something useful, like a Wal-Mart or a McDonald's.

So let's remember: We must have a 200-story giant McDonald's at Ground Zero.  After all, cultural sensitivity is a one-way street...and it's the street on which I live. Thank you and goodnight.

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