Local Idiot Still Believes Someone Will Love Him For Who He Is.

The Horror Of The Penis by Lez Luv

Now many of you gents may be wondering why, exactly, do lesbians get PhD's in order to teach about male sexuality? After all, you don't see to many gay fellows ranting about how much they hate vaginas. It's actually quite simple:

Every time a woman has sex with a man, it's rape. Every time a man thinks about having sex with a woman, it's rape. And most likely, every time a man touches his hideous, disgusting throbbing gristle, he's probably just raped himself. So, you see, it's really up to those women who are willing to wear pants, smoke cigars, and ram our tongues up each others' snackboxes (in other words, those of us who have thrown off the shackles of the patriarchal oppressors) who are able to to truly understand men, male sexuality, and their sick, sordid disgusting fantasies which involve their repulsive membranes. For who can understand just how repulsive men are, more than a woman who utterly despises them? I think the answer is obvious.

Hideous Jessica Biel Transformed.

Thanks to modern medicine, Jessica Biel has been able to undergo a nose job and have her disgusting lips filled with lovely, human-corpse-collagen. This has transformed her into someone sufficiently attractive to be filmed groping Nicholas Cage.

ScienceNews: Artificial Intelligence Created With Gene Splicing.

Scientists at UCLA reported recently that after years of trial and error, they successfully created an intelligent computer using genetic techniques. By combining the DNA of two individuals in the laboratory--Dr. John Stevens and his Chinese graduate assistant, Ma Ching, were able to create a carbon-based computer capable of simulating human intelligence. The computer, referred to as "Timmy" has a central processing unit capable of mimicking human reasoning, auto-locomotion and other high-level processes. Furthermore, it appears that "Timmy" also contains algorithms that can replicate human emotional reactions such as love, anger, fear, jealousy, and curiosity.

Gunz2Luv: He Deserves Every Cent!

Wayne LaPierre deserves every cent he makes (about 1 trillion of them)! Every year is he out there, protecting the 2nd Amendment rights of American heroes such Chai Vang, who defended his FREEDOM in Wisonsin in 2005; it is precisely the racist Dumbocrats that want to take away the ability of ethnic freedom fighters such as Mr. Vang. Without an assault rifle, we can only shudder at how easily the right of minority ethnic groups could be impinged upon.

Guest Columnist Gunz2Luv: Socialism is attempting to destroy us and take our guns.

Socialism is attempting to destroy us and take our guns.
Obama's attempts to perpetuate the economic downturn of our economy is the first step in implementing a Muslim agenda! By taking over our banks and eliminating interest rates, they hope to create a Muslim banking system. This will shortly be followed by revoking the 2nd Amendment and disarming all Christians in the nation.

Local teacher attains succes by succumbing to mediocrity.

Local high school teacher Margo Samson came home and reported to her husband, Richard, that "I've finally succumbed to complete mediocrity and mental oblivion." In spite of years of trying to teach remedial reading to apathetic, lazy students who only read text ciphers sent via their cellphones, Ms. Samson received a below-average performance evaluation from the principal of her school, who scolded her for "failing to implement collaborative learning techniques." The principal directed her to the state education department website, which demonstrated how to implement collaborative learning in groups of students using a Kleenex, some wads of cotton and used gum found under a desk. Said Ms. Samson, "Fuck it--I'll just have the lazy bastards circle jerk with their cellphones all day till I get my MBA."