Soon after Gov. Sanford's descent into Southern Hemispherical wackiness, Governoress of Alaska Sarah Palin resigned from her position as America's first line-of-defense against the our collective Russian-led doom in a decision arrived at after a long night of deep prayer and cogitation inspired by some serious weed, 3 bags of 'Fritos' and repeated viewings of 1994's Bruce Willis vehicle, Color of Night. "We must not abide by the milky discharge of long late night demons of desire of those who only wish to be spoon-fed by excessive tax rates and sleeping slumbering willows," she proclaimed to no one in particular. "Instead, we must be ready to once and for all find Count Dracula before he finds us. Remember he hunts at night, so we must hunt him during the broad light of day and find and burn all of the coffins!" She then began to quietly mutter in a low voice for several minutes, and then shouted, "It's in the trees! It's coming!" Ms. Palin flailed her arms and ducked low as though avoiding an attacking rabid bat, tore off her clothes and ran into the woods shrieking, "The demons! The demons!" She has not been seen since by the eyes of men.
Meanwhile, Arnold Schwarzenegger, who claims not be the descendant of African immigrants no matter what tasteless jokes people make about his surname, found that even though he hasn't had a hit movie in decades, he can still manage to get people to pay attention. Now it's by throttling California's finances instead of an evil robot assassin from the future, but who cares as long as you're noticed?
Shouted former Illinoisan Mark Blagojevich, "Woooooo, we're going to Burning Man!"
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